Category Archives: Communication

How to Have Crucial Conversations: Resist Silence &Violence!

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How to Resist Silence and Violence
Lips Sewn By a Thread

In my last article, I wrote about the importance of Crucial Conversations and dialogue in maintaining healthy and positive relationships (personally and professionally) and how difficult and risky these discussions can be. Yet, one of the biggest reasons people struggle with crucial conversations or avoid them altogether is that they do not feel safe. According to the authors of Crucial Conversations, safety is an essential ingredient for crucial conversations and dialogue because when people feel safe, they can say anything. However, when safety is missing, people believe that they cannot express their opinions and feelings without feeling judged or fear that their voices will not be heard. And when people feel unsafe, they turn to unhealthy patterns of silence or violence which reduces the possibility for honest and meaningful dialogue or progress.

The authors of Crucial Conversations further explained that dialogue requires a free flow of information. But when people feel that their opinions and ideas won’t be accepted, they start to withdraw and hide (silence) or push too hard, (violence). Therefore, to help people feel safe in these crucial conversations, we must establish mutual purpose and mutual respect by letting the other person know that we care about them and their issue and that we have shared goals. When we make people feel safe in tough conversations, we can talk about anything, and people will listen. Afterall, if we don’t fear that we will be being attacked or humiliated, we can hear anything and not become defensive.

We All Deserve to Feel Safe and Respected- Quote
We All Deserve to Feel Safe and Respected Quote

How to Make People Feel Safe

For example, think about a time when you received corrective feedback that was really painful or uncomfortable. How did you react? If you trusted the person and felt they had your best interest at heart, the message (however difficult) might have been much easier to hear. But, if you didn’t trust the person giving you the feedback or questioned the motive behind the feedback, you are more likely to be offended, respond defensively and the communication would breakdown.

Once our emotions take over a conversation, things can get ugly and spiral out of control as voices get raised or become very quiet. One way for us to to avoid this is to practice self-awareness by noticing what we feel and what we do when we begin to get upset. Do we tense up, raise our voice, use sarcasm or do we just shut down and leave the conversation? Noticing our emotions and naming what we are feeling can help up better manage them emotions. It is also important for us to look out for signs that the other person might not feel safe and when their energy and tone begin to change. When we notice the energy of the conversation deteriorating, we should shift focus from the point we are trying to get across and attempt to restore safety to the conversation before we continue.

Plus in crucial conversations, how we discuss the issues or matter at hand is more important than the what we are discussing. Before we enter these conversations, we should check our emotions, assumptions, biases and start with positive intent, good will while focusing on the core issue(s). This is important since we cannot change or control others, we can only control ourselves. So, be ready to listen to the other person’s perspective, be authentic and show respect.

Mistakes to Avoid- Wooden Character
Mistakes to Avoid- Wooden Character

Mistakes to Avoid in Crucial Conversations

So, what does silence and violence look like in our everyday interactions and conversations? According to the authors, the three main ways in which we practice silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.

  • Masking: This is when we minimize situations or selectively share our opinions and feelings. This can also involve using sarcasm, downplaying an issue or sugar coating to make something seem better than it really is.  
  • Avoiding: This is where two persons talk but deliberatively steer away from sensitive subjects. So, while they talk, they intentionally talk about everything but the real issue and the situation at hand remains unaddressed.
  • Withdrawing: This is where you literally check out of the conversation (mentally and emotionally) or physically pull out of a conversation or exit the room.

When it comes to violence, the most common ways that we do this is :

  • Controlling: This involves pressuring others to your way of thinking. It is done by either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation. Methods include interrupting others, overstating the facts, using generalizations and absolutes, and changing the subject.
  • Labelling: This is where you put a label on people or ideas, so you dismiss them under a general stereotype or category.
  • Attacking: This one speaks for itself since it moves from winning the argument to making the other personal suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening others with ultimatums or “tit for tat’ statements.
Communication, Dialogue, Conversation
Communication, Dialogue, Conversation

Five Skills for Effective Dialogue

So how do we avoid silence and violence and improve our skills to help us have better dialogue? According to the authors of Crucial Conversations, changing our behavior and patterns starts with the heart. Since we cannot fix anyone but ourselves, we must start with the man/woman in the mirror by examining our personal role in any problem we face. So rather than striving to look good, win, or achieve some other unhealthy objective, we need to ask ourselves, “What do I really want?” And while we don’t want to water down our message to make it easier for the other person to swallow, we must find a way to be confident but humble. And, we will also need to know how to speak without offending and be persuasive without being abrasive. All of this is necessary to help the other person(s) feel safe.

So here are five skills which the authors recommend to help us to confidently share our opinions in tough conversations and humbly and honestly invite others to do the same.

  1. Share your facts: Start with your observations. If you aren’t sure what your facts are, take the time to think about them before you enter a crucial conversation. Avoid jumping to conclusions and basing your crucial conversation on your emotions, judgements, or the stories you made up in your head. Facts are less insulting to other people, so start with the facts and then move to your story.
  • Tell your story: Sharing your story can be delicate process. Even if you started with your facts, the person could still become defensive when you move from facts to stories as you might have to point out negative conclusions about the other person. Nonetheless, do your homework to ensure that you can confidently and clearly use facts to back up your story.
  •  Ask for others path: Once you have shared your feelings and perspectives, it is important for you to invite the other person to do the same. Encourage them to share their facts, stories and feelings and be prepared to listen to what they might have to say. By being open to learning, you are both demonstrating humility.
  • Talk tentatively:  This means that we should tell our facts and stories as a story rather than as sharing it as a hard fact which is unchangeable. One way to talk tentatively is to pay attention to your choice of words. When sharing your story, try to strike a balance between being humble and confident. For example, instead of saying, “The fact is”, change it to “In my opinion”. This is important because while you are trying to get your views across, you cannot force it down another person’s throat.  Speaking in absolutes and overstating does not increase your influence, it decreases it.
  • Encourage testing: When you ask others to share their path, pay attention to how you do it because it can make all the difference. Not only should you invite others to talk, but you should also make it clear that no matter how controversial their viewpoint might be, you still want to hear them. People need to feel safe to share their stories especially when they differ from yours. We can disagree and still respect each other.

Ultimately, everyone is entitled to their own views and feelings as we experience and interpret the the things that happen to us and the world around us differently. The goal of crucial conversations is promote healthy and positive relationships through honest and meaningful dialogue. So, the next time you find yourself in a crucial conversation, resist the urge to turn to silence and violence and use the five skills to stay engaged in dialogue.

Until next time, Remember, ItsALearningLife!

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Navigating Relationships At Work

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imagesCA2VOG8J“No man is an island, no man stands alone.”

By our very nature, we were created for relationships. Be they personal or professional, we develop and maintain relationships with the people who are a part of the circles or groups to which we belong. While some of these relationships might have emerged consciously/unconsciously over time, they result in meaningful friendships which help us in the best and worst of times. This is no less true of friendships in the workplace.

For this post, I want to look at friendships as a form of relationship in the workplace. Loosely defined, friendships are those close relationships we develop with people on the job, or the people we align ourselves with, due to similarities in personality, values, and interests. Friendships also develop as a result of the huge amount of time we spend at work, or at home doing work. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that, people develop lasting friendships with the members of their teams, people on other teams(internally and externally) and even with their supervisors. Is anything wrong with that? Well… you decide.

Are friendships in the work place bad?

Do friendships help or hinder effective working relationships?

Do they need boundaries?

Can they affect how you do your job?

The answers to any of the above questions are not written down in any employee handbook. Nor are they stated in the thick operational policies and procedures manuals, that each new employee is given to read during the orientation or onboarding process for a new job. Though you should note, that, some companies have explicitly stated policies about personal relationships (intimate) in the workplace. But, that is not my focus. If you were to stop and think about your experiences with friendships at the workplace, the things you have seen, heard or felt, you might just conclude that – friendships do have impact on the work and perhaps how we work.

“Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are”

Throughout the course of my career, I’ve witnessed and experienced first-hand, the impact of friendships at work from the perspective of  a member of a team to  manager/leader of teams. And, I can safely tell you that, this dynamic plays out quite differently from role to role. So let’s start with the question raised earlier:imagesCAFETENT

  1. Are friendships in the workplace bad? No, not necessarily. Friends are typically people we trust, and turn to whenever we need a sounding board, support, receive good and bad news. These friends are also the same persons who are likely to call us with a bit of company news (a promotion, new hire or dismissal) or relate over lunch, something they might have heard on the grapevine. Herein lies a problem, for this is how the grapevine thrives. Grapevine communication is a huge problem for many organizations. The grapevine is a medium through which rumors and gossip are transmitted, producing negative effects on company culture and creating tension in teams.                                                                                                                                                     Yet, what we often forget or overlook is that, the grapevine is not an abstract concept. It is not something running along the walls and corridors into meetings and offices, restrooms, car parks and cafeterias. One reason for the grapevine’s popularity in organizations, is that, sometimes, friends across and within teams, inappropriately discuss critical work related information and decisions, that they are privy to in their jobs with other friends ( both internally and externally). And though no harm might have been intended in sharing, the effects on the organization and on people’s lives might be detrimental.
  2. Do friendships they help or hinder effective working relationships? Yes. Friendships can both help and hinder effective working relationships. Whether it’s the case of a friend providing much needed help in completing a work assignment, supporting a proposal or point in a meeting or giving feedback, friendships can be beneficial. Friendships often help to “grease the wheels” for a more comfortable journey in the world of work. On the other hand, friendships might very well threaten effective working relationships. A friendship gone wrong can lead to grievance and discipline issues, produce negative work behaviors and attitudes such as “bad mouthing”  of and by managers and direct reports alike. Thereby resulting in, tense meetings,  decline  in performance and productivity and further  disruptions and uncomfortable situations on teams.
  3. Can they affect how you do your job? Yes, friendships can directly and indirectly affect and effect how you do your job. Favoritism in the workplace and its impact on low employee morale is nothing to scoff at. Additionally, the direct impact can be seen with the answers to questions 1-2 above. The indirect impact might be just as strong. After all, I’m sure you might have seen coworkers in a friendship relationship react negatively to another coworker on the basis of an incident/ or action taken against their friend(s) or involving them.
  4. Do they need boundaries? Yes. Establishing boundaries for what you will or can share with a friend will be critically important in avoiding any appearance of unprofessionalism, bias or breach of trust. This is especially important and true when a team member is promoted from amongst peers and becomes a supervisor. For both the new supervisor and the direct report(s) (which includes friends), the period of adjustment to this new relationship needs to be managed carefully. If you were to review any book on supervisory management, you would find that, great emphasis is placed on helping new supervisors understand their new roles and responsibilities vis-a-vis old relationships. These books provide guidance to the supervisor on the different expectations related to the new role(that of their direct reports and supervisor) and how to navigate these relationships.

I will therefore conclude that, friendships  at the workplace are important  and may even be desired. However, friendships need to be carefully managed to prevent them from  undermining effective working relationship. For  whether we admit it or not, they can and do. Hence, a lot will be left to the maturity, integrity and ethics of the individual and that of his/her friend(s). In the end, responsible and mature people with healthy friendships would never allow each other to jeopardize  their job position(s) or compromise their professional ethics.

Images Courtesy of Google.

Copyright © 2014 All Rights Reserved

Are You Engaged?

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engagement3I am pretty sure that when you think or hear of the term engagement – the first thing that comes to mind is a proposal for marriage. Yes, the moment the man or woman (not so uncommon these days) pops the question and ask his/her beloved for their hand in marriage. If you thought so, you would be quite right but that’s not what I am thinking, nor is it the focus of this post.

In today’s  workplace, the term engagement  is a relatively new  buzz word used to describe the degree to which employees are motivated, happy, satisfied with the work they do, interested  in their organizations, and  display support  for  the company’s mission or their team. On the other hand, disengagement speaks a situation where employee’s behaviors and attitudes are negative, morale is low and they do the bare minimum to get by. Studies suggest that between 20-30% of employees within organizations are disengaged.  As such, one would reasonably conclude that each organization is comprised of two categories of employees – the engaged and the disengaged.

engagement2In any organization and for any manager or leader, the engaged employee is a dream. Not unlike a newly engaged person, this individual is happy, finds meaning in their work, supports the fellow members of the team and are highly productive. They are driven and they get the job done. On the flip side, are the disengaged employees. These are the unhappy ones, less motivated by the work they are doing and even less satisfied with their jobs. Usually, the disengaged employee operate at two extremes. That is, from the heavy silence and passive participation in meetings/ teams to the vocal opposition, negative attitudes/opinions they express when anything is to be done or any change is proposed. Working with them, is akin to pulling teeth and saps your energy. Because for them, it is  never just about the matter at hand, but everything else (past and present) as they are shackled by the history of their experiences. Does any of  this sound familiar or does anyone come to mind?

imagesCAMEZKVII’m sure by now you are probably making a mental note the people in your organization to whom these categories applies. But better yet, do you know where you fall? Are you engaged or not? Regardless of what your answer is, there is no need to judge or condemn these persons. The issues they struggle with are real. And however this is manifested, they need help and support from their supervisors and coworkers. I’ve not always thought so. But, I have come to learn that at some point of our work lives, we ourselves are not immune. We too risk becoming disengaged, or can slide along the continuum (engagement or disengagement) as a result of a problem with a supervisor, a small win, a big failure or just the general work environment/culture of the organization.

Which brings me to the point? What really causes an individual to become disengaged? A quick review of the literature will tell you that disengagement might be caused by one or all of the following:

  • Lack of respect from management.
  • Employee feeling that his/her  contribution or work is not valued.
  • Inadequate knowledge/understanding of company’s mission or even how they fit in.
  • Inequity and unfairness in how employees are treated(managers have favorites).
  • Poor working relationships with supervisor and managers.

imagesCAH1MI1BA case in point was my first experience with a disengaged coworker. She was a very mature, knowledgeable and competent individual who had spent over 15 years working with the company, prior to the 8+ years we worked together. After a couple of interactions, watching her body language in meetings, observing her level of responsiveness and just the negative attitude and tone with which she operated, I was pretty annoyed. She was never rude, but I wondered how someone with such a wealth of experience and maturity could be like that. And better yet, if she was so obviously unhappy with the company and the work, why didn’t she just leave? Why torture herself? Why make life and work more difficult for  the other people with whom she worked, due to the sheer amount of effort and energy, they would have to expend to work effectively with her.

imagesCA23Z6XAThough I struggled to understand why she was just like that, I came to accept that there were many others like her as well. While she was expressive,  the others were silent and passive. I  figured that, at the very least, we all had a job to do and that job paid our bills. And as long as that was true, then each of us had an obligation to give of our best efforts. That for me was simply a matter of personal integrity. I would later learn my annoyance was misplaced, for she like others who were , were not always like that. Once upon a time, she too had been engaged and she did in fact, love what she did. Unfortunately, she had, had, one too many bad experiences in the workplace –with leaders, supervisors and even customers. As a result, she no longer trusted the organization. And since everyone had a right to work, she responded as best she could to survive.

Therefore, it important that both organizations and individuals remember:

  1. imagesCAHR4550Organizations through their management teams and climate they create or foster, have an obligation to provide a “safe and enabling environment” for their employees to thrive and grow.
  2. Issues left ignored or swept under the rug- do not disappear. The buildup and may later threaten to derail even the very  best employees and the most engaged.
  3. Disengaged employees hurt organizations as much as they hurt themselves. They are likely to hurt an organizations performance and bottom line due to their levels of service and productivity.
  4. Disengaged employees can negatively affect an organization’s culture or may even negatively influence new recruits.
  5. Both organizations and individuals have to make a conscious effort to recognize and assess the levels of engagement amongst employees in their organization and in themselves.

Images Courtesy of Google.

Copyright © 2014 All Rights Reserved

Why Does It Hurt So Bad? Feedback is a Gift!

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images-sadWhy does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel so sad?  Thought I was … No, this not a love song. Nor is it  about  my love life,  or  the death or loss of a loved one.  I am talking about FEEDBACK.

At some time or another, you and I have had to give feedback to someone, or might have been on the receiving end. And for the most of us, the experience hasn’t always been pleasant. In fact, on the work scene, it is not unlikely for  both employees and supervisors to dread, that time of year when performance appraisals are to be conducted. And even in our personal lives, feedback – the nature and content of it, has led to, or contributed to, many a  broken or damaged relationships, shattered trust and sent many to seek the counsel of elders, family, pastors and friends. Still, I contend, no matter how you look at it, feedback is a GIFT.

Here is the dilemma- feedback comes from everywhere and everyone, and it can be both  good and bad. Clearly, positive feedback, the type  usually regarded as good, doesn’t make us feel mad, bad or sad. It pleases us, makes us glow and run around “boasting” of our finer attributes to anyone who will listen. Usually, it is the negative variety a.ka. bad feedback, that causes us the  tears, pain, anger, sends us ranting, catches us reacting defensively, or signals us to turn on our Silence buttons. When this happens, whether the  feedback is given by loved one, friend(s), supervisor(s) or, co-worker(s), customer(s)  or all of the above- doesn’t make it any easier accept.

imagesWC1QS3C2

Fortunately or unfortunately, I’ve experienced all the emotions I just described, and the  kinds of feedback I mentioned. One my earliest experiences with negative feedback,  came from my  supervisor in my very first job. In my then role, I was responsible for coordinating over 20 training courses offered by the agency. The position I  assumed, had been vacant for a whole year, and there was a “back-log” with issues deemed  both  urgent and important  at the same time. As you could imagine, I worked hard to resolve these issues, while focusing on my key deliverables, learning the organization and my job. But, none of this bothered me, for I love a challenge, and tend to be very committed to whatever I do. Needless to say, by the time my probationary period ended, I was confident, settled and happy with my progress and performance.  And with this positive energy and attitude, I sat down with my supervisor for my performance appraisal.

untitledfeedback 2Our discussions about my performance and impact went very well. There were no surprises. That is, until she mentioned that, some of the participants for a course I coordinated, were dissatisfied with me. The issue they raised was related to my attitude, and their perception that,  I did not seem particularly “friendly” to  them. Truth be told, they were my least favorite group and they had the biggest issues on my “backlog” list. Speaking to them, and interacting with them, always  required extra preparation-mental and otherwise. But I consider myself professional, and they were our/my customers, so truly I did my best. As my supervisor shared, I remember feeling hurt and angry, as I fought the tears welling up in my eyes . Suddenly, it was as if, nothing else had been said in the discussion, none of the kudos I had earlier heard/received mattered. And the kinder she was, the worst I felt.

Sometime after  my tears subsided, and my thoughts of their ungratefulness faded, I resolved that I had to change my approach. After all, don’t we all want to be seen favorably, to the people who matter? So,I made a deliberate effort to “warm up” to the group, smile, say  hi to them in the corridors, and be more patient in our interactions. It wasn’t before long  that they too responded in kind, and I made friends with the group, as we continued to grapple with challenging issues. The way I figure it now is that, I was much younger then and less wiser I suspect.

Since then, I’ve had many roles and numerous opportunities to give and receive feedback.

feedback

Yet to date, the most enduring lessons have been:

  • Feedback isn’t always positive or negative but it should always be honest.
  • It is equally important to listen to what is said as well as what is not said.
  • LISTEN and SILENT has the same letters- so listen carefully and ask questions to help you better understand the issue not argue.
  • Instead of dismissing the feedback you don’t like, ask yourself- is any of it true?
  • Be kind and gentle in sharing feedback-regardless of appearances, people are people first with emotions, insecurities and fears.
  • Avoid making generalizations about people. Base your feedback on the specific situation you observed, the behavior and the impact it had on you, the job or others.
  • Examine your motives in giving feedback – is it meant to develop or “tear down”?
  • Say thank you- you don’t have to agree with what you’ve  heard (but it is better to know how others feel about you and it gives you an opportunity to fix it).

In the end, I have learnt to value feedback. Feedback should make us glow and grow. Feedback is a Gift!

What has your experience been in giving or receiving feedback? Practice on me !

Images Courtesy of Google.

Copyright © 2014 All Rights Reserved