Category Archives: Navigating Relationships

To Be or Not To Be?

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“To be, or not to be, that is the question”— William Shakespeare’s , Hamlet

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The answer lies with you. Yes, you- the  one making the decision. 7 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year, or every minute of the day, we make decisions, big  and small about our relationships, families, careers, finances, health and even entertainment. The  approach used to make these decisions might be influenced by one’s personality, personal philosophy and/or  unique situation at a point in time. For some of us, the process is  quick, easy and decisive, while for others it might be slow, tough and painful. Regardless of who you are, making decisions can be a challenging and intimidating experience, for with every decision comes, responsibility, consequences, and sometimes risks. Alas, that’s the nature of decision-making and  decisions are a fact of life.

“History never reveals its alternatives.”

imagesWhen we make decisions, we make choices. Choices that we will have to live with, and sometimes can’t even change. And for every decision  we make, there is another we didn’t make. And, that same decision made  typically, sets off a course of events  that will change the trajectory of our lives in ways that we probably can’t fully see or understand at the time. As for that other decision left at the table, there will be other options unexplored, opportunities lost or a  range of possibilities we will perhaps never know. But, we take comfort in the fact  that, given all the variables, our decision was the best decision to make at that point, given our circumstances, priorities, emotions and the information we had  at the time. Then again, “hindsight is 20/20” and with the passage of time, we are often prone to reflect on our decisions, rethink them or regret them.

I fancy myself good at making decisions and I don’t have any regrets about anything in my life (personally or professionally). I reckon that, if I thought about something and made a decision to pursue a course of action/path, and was fully conscious and well when I did so, then I would accept the outcomes of same, however they manifested themselves-success, failure, happiness, joy, sadness, pain. But, this is not the case for a lot of people. I have often heard colleagues, friends and family bemoan and express regrets about decisions that, they have made in their personal and professional lives. Upon deeper probing, they would always reveal that their decisions were influenced by considerations about their current obligations, circumstances, fear of the unknown, uncertainty about future risks and/or the insecurities they had at the time.

imagesCAUFVU8HFor me, the decision that  has made me wonder – what if?, was a job I turned down just after completing graduate school. Having studied Government at university  with an emphasis on International Relations and Public Administration, a job in diplomacy would have been a dream come true or so I thought at the time. So of course, I submitted my job application to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Sometime after, a long time after, I was invited to come in for an exam. I did the exam and left it hoping I did well enough but  was not overly concerned about it. Some three months after, I got a follow-up call inviting me to attend a panel interview.

I thought about declining the interview because, by now, the process had stretched out for a nearly a year, and I was 3 months into a new job. A job that paid well, reflected another interest and passion of mine, and provided that I could secure the independence I needed at that point of my life. Nonetheless, not one to leave anything unexplored, I accepted the interview and participated. Not long after, I was made an offer to join the ranks of the Foreign Service. You can only imagine how elated I was. Think status, prestige, international exposure, ambassador for country at large. But, all of that was before I learnt more about the nuances of roles, understood how the service worked, the salary and the entire package. But, truthfully, the worse part of it was that my dream job offer would require that I uproot again, start all over with  a significantly less compensation package, than  the one  my current job afforded me.

imagesCACLG7IISo, now I was in a quandary. Here I had an offer for my “dream job” in the nation’s capital, but it “didn’t pay”. Accepting the offer would totally eliminate any possibility of me having any independence for the next couple of years, and would not allow me to meet my financial obligations. On the other hand, I had a great job with a good company doing something I liked, a new apartment, the means to take care of me and urgent obligations (student loan). I asked my friends, family and mentors to weigh in, and even had a heart to heart with the Director for HR at the organization.She was open, and ever so gracious and kind. In the end, the decision was mine to make and mine to live with.

I guess you can figure out what I decided. I declined the offer and was told that I could reach out again should I rethink my decision. Though I never regretted that decision, every so often, as I reflect on the successes I achieved in my career as I know it, I would wonder what could have been, and how my life might have been different. After all, our decisions usually result in opportunity costs that we can’t always calculate. Does any of this mean that I gave up on a goal? Or that my analysis of the all the variables involved at the time was flawed? Or that I neglected the big picture and choose short-term goals over long-term ones? No, not to my mind- it doesn’t.

imagesCAFUSECXNothing about our lives(personal and professional) are entirely linear. Things have a way of coming full circle. Our decisions and choices have a way of creating diversions, opening up new worlds or restricting us the familiar, the certain and  the safe. Some call it fate, others destiny…or even karma. But that’s the nature of decisions. You will never know  what could have, should have, would  have been- for history won’t ever tell us what would have happened, had we decided otherwise.

So in essence, some decisions are easier, more comfortable, less risker than others, and can even lead us towards good and satisfying lives. But they may not always be our best choices. Once in a while, the circumstances in our lives, the places where we find ourselves, might require us to take the plunge, launch out into the deep, and stretch ourselves in areas and ways we never thought we could and still don’t even know we can. This is by no means advocating that we break off unhappy relationships, leave frustrating/dead-end jobs, give up pension plans and start-up your own new business. But sometimes, we may just have to. And in so doing, we redefine ourselves, embrace new, exciting  and rewarding experiences and find/ rediscover happiness in our lives.

images6So while decision can be daunting, we should never shy away from making them. Instead, we should try as best as possible to make them for the right reason, with much care, weighing what your heart and mind inclines you to do. For though we might seek and receive good counsel from others, it’s our lives, our responsibility, our decisions and we will have to live with them- come what may.

Images Courtesy of Google.

Copyright © 2014 All Rights Reserved

Navigating Relationships At Work

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imagesCA2VOG8J“No man is an island, no man stands alone.”

By our very nature, we were created for relationships. Be they personal or professional, we develop and maintain relationships with the people who are a part of the circles or groups to which we belong. While some of these relationships might have emerged consciously/unconsciously over time, they result in meaningful friendships which help us in the best and worst of times. This is no less true of friendships in the workplace.

For this post, I want to look at friendships as a form of relationship in the workplace. Loosely defined, friendships are those close relationships we develop with people on the job, or the people we align ourselves with, due to similarities in personality, values, and interests. Friendships also develop as a result of the huge amount of time we spend at work, or at home doing work. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that, people develop lasting friendships with the members of their teams, people on other teams(internally and externally) and even with their supervisors. Is anything wrong with that? Well… you decide.

Are friendships in the work place bad?

Do friendships help or hinder effective working relationships?

Do they need boundaries?

Can they affect how you do your job?

The answers to any of the above questions are not written down in any employee handbook. Nor are they stated in the thick operational policies and procedures manuals, that each new employee is given to read during the orientation or onboarding process for a new job. Though you should note, that, some companies have explicitly stated policies about personal relationships (intimate) in the workplace. But, that is not my focus. If you were to stop and think about your experiences with friendships at the workplace, the things you have seen, heard or felt, you might just conclude that – friendships do have impact on the work and perhaps how we work.

“Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are”

Throughout the course of my career, I’ve witnessed and experienced first-hand, the impact of friendships at work from the perspective of  a member of a team to  manager/leader of teams. And, I can safely tell you that, this dynamic plays out quite differently from role to role. So let’s start with the question raised earlier:imagesCAFETENT

  1. Are friendships in the workplace bad? No, not necessarily. Friends are typically people we trust, and turn to whenever we need a sounding board, support, receive good and bad news. These friends are also the same persons who are likely to call us with a bit of company news (a promotion, new hire or dismissal) or relate over lunch, something they might have heard on the grapevine. Herein lies a problem, for this is how the grapevine thrives. Grapevine communication is a huge problem for many organizations. The grapevine is a medium through which rumors and gossip are transmitted, producing negative effects on company culture and creating tension in teams.                                                                                                                                                     Yet, what we often forget or overlook is that, the grapevine is not an abstract concept. It is not something running along the walls and corridors into meetings and offices, restrooms, car parks and cafeterias. One reason for the grapevine’s popularity in organizations, is that, sometimes, friends across and within teams, inappropriately discuss critical work related information and decisions, that they are privy to in their jobs with other friends ( both internally and externally). And though no harm might have been intended in sharing, the effects on the organization and on people’s lives might be detrimental.
  2. Do friendships they help or hinder effective working relationships? Yes. Friendships can both help and hinder effective working relationships. Whether it’s the case of a friend providing much needed help in completing a work assignment, supporting a proposal or point in a meeting or giving feedback, friendships can be beneficial. Friendships often help to “grease the wheels” for a more comfortable journey in the world of work. On the other hand, friendships might very well threaten effective working relationships. A friendship gone wrong can lead to grievance and discipline issues, produce negative work behaviors and attitudes such as “bad mouthing”  of and by managers and direct reports alike. Thereby resulting in, tense meetings,  decline  in performance and productivity and further  disruptions and uncomfortable situations on teams.
  3. Can they affect how you do your job? Yes, friendships can directly and indirectly affect and effect how you do your job. Favoritism in the workplace and its impact on low employee morale is nothing to scoff at. Additionally, the direct impact can be seen with the answers to questions 1-2 above. The indirect impact might be just as strong. After all, I’m sure you might have seen coworkers in a friendship relationship react negatively to another coworker on the basis of an incident/ or action taken against their friend(s) or involving them.
  4. Do they need boundaries? Yes. Establishing boundaries for what you will or can share with a friend will be critically important in avoiding any appearance of unprofessionalism, bias or breach of trust. This is especially important and true when a team member is promoted from amongst peers and becomes a supervisor. For both the new supervisor and the direct report(s) (which includes friends), the period of adjustment to this new relationship needs to be managed carefully. If you were to review any book on supervisory management, you would find that, great emphasis is placed on helping new supervisors understand their new roles and responsibilities vis-a-vis old relationships. These books provide guidance to the supervisor on the different expectations related to the new role(that of their direct reports and supervisor) and how to navigate these relationships.

I will therefore conclude that, friendships  at the workplace are important  and may even be desired. However, friendships need to be carefully managed to prevent them from  undermining effective working relationship. For  whether we admit it or not, they can and do. Hence, a lot will be left to the maturity, integrity and ethics of the individual and that of his/her friend(s). In the end, responsible and mature people with healthy friendships would never allow each other to jeopardize  their job position(s) or compromise their professional ethics.

Images Courtesy of Google.

Copyright © 2014 All Rights Reserved