Tag Archives: Trust

I Don’t Trust You: How to Rebuild Trust

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Humpty Dumpty Had A Great Fall
Humpty Dumpty Has A Great Fall

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpy had a great fall, All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again.”

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For me, the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme is great illustration of what happens when trust is violated or broken. Whether the relationship is personal or professional, things fall apart when promises are broken, commitments are not honored, lies are told, information is withheld, confidence is betrayed and people or their actions are willfully misrepresented by others. Regardless of the circumstance, the results of broken trust are division, doubt, fear, insecurity, hurt, bitterness, stress, resentment and unhealthy interactions or relationships.

What Happens When Trust is Broken?

In my last post, I wrote about how everything we do revolves about trust.  I explained the dynamics of how trust works and how it shows up in our everyday lives. In this article, I want to continue the conversation by looking at what happens when trust is broken and what it takes to rebuild it. Whether the relationship is personal or professional, the consequences of broken trust can be high and long-lasting. Violated trust can result in toxic work environments, divorce, broken friendships, terminated business arrangements and an overall suspicion or distrust of others as everything becomes more difficult without trust. I can still remember one of my most painful experiences with violated trust. It happened with a friend I had long regarded as a sister and had never imagined would hurt me in the way she did. Regardless of the motive behind her actions, whether she meant to hurt me or not, the pain I experienced from the betrayal was devastating.

The effect of broken trust is not just restricted to personal relationships. Most of the tensions and problems in interpersonal relationships at work are a product of ‘professional hurt’ arising from a feeling of distrust that a team member(s) might have about another’s willingness or readiness to support them. Distrust in teams can also be a consequence of decisions or actions taken that can seem threatening or inconsiderate of employee well-being or might emerge from a disappointing experience of having been let down by management. Regardless of the reason for the distrust, the cost to business is high as the efficiency of the team and overall performance of the organization can be crippled by the absence of trust. And this can quickly spiral into loss of productivity as employees lose psychological safety, operate in silos and struggle with sharing information and knowledge to work together successfully.

Trust-Road Split in Two-Image
Trust -Road Split in Two

Can Trust Be Rebuilt?

Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend about the topic of trust. He adamantly expressed that once trust is broken, it can never return to its original form or level.  When I asked him how so, he explained that his father had once told him that trust and virginity operated on the same principle- it does not come back after you have lost it. I chuckled at his perspective which represented a new and different way of thinking about the implications of broken trust. So, I asked him if he believed that trust once could be regain after it was broken. He then explained that while trust can be rebuilt in a relationship, it would always be limited (and not absolute as it originally was) since the person whose trust was violated would always harbor doubt at the back of his/her mind.

While his perspective on what happens when trust is violated might sound cynical, the implications of broken trust are indeed far reaching, and relationships are irrevocably changed when and where this breach occurs. For example, there are many couples who work through issues of infidelity to forge stronger bonds and relationships while others do not survive. Whether the relationship is personal or professional, the pain and hurt of broken trust can blind people from ever seeing objectively again, hold them prisoners to doubt and fear and render them incapable of moving forward.

Our inability to trust or form trusting relationships can also date back to our childhood days and travel with us into adulthood. Child psychologists argue that babies learn self-confidence and to trust their environment from the very early stages of their development. If a baby cries and is picked up, the baby learns to trust that someone will come to their aid. Correspondingly, when a baby cries and no one responds, that baby will feel unsafe and become wired to doubt their environment and the world around them. Trust issues are also common amongst people who struggle with abandonment (emotionally or physically), loss of a loved one or some other type of trauma during their early years.

Quite often the people who break trust expect the persons affected by their actions to just get over it and move on. Unfortunately, restoring trust is neither that simple nor easy. When one person is deeply offended or disappointed by the actions of another, they might forgive the person and still struggle with forgetting the past and letting go of the pain associated with the experience. This can then lead the individuals to develop deep seated trust issues that prevent them from trusting others and even undermine their own confidence in their ability to make good choices and accurate judgements about people.

Rebuild-Wooden Building Blocks-Image
Rebuild-Wooden Building Blocks

Tips for Rebuilding Trust

Without vision people perish and without trust relationships are doomed. So, since we cannot operate effectively without trust, how do we rebuild trust that has been broken or built it anew? The answer to this question might lie in the same measure we use to determine whether we can trust someone- that is by their character and their competence. For instance, when my daughter messes up, she is always quick to say, “I’m sorry”.  Her apology to me is always met with my standard response which is -if you are sorry, change your behavior.  I then go on to explain to her that while it is important to always say sorry when she does something wrong, apologizing is not enough. To restore my confidence in her, she will need to back up her words with actions that demonstrate a commitment to making good choices regardless of whether I or someone else is watching.  Simply put she must walk the talk and do what she says she will do.

While there are no quick fixes or overnight solutions to rebuilding trust, here a few tips in no particular order which can help you restore trust or strengthen it:

  1. Be honest: I firmly believe that honest is a sign of respect and that we do not do anyone a favor by misrepresenting the truth or lying to maintain the peace or avoid hurt feelings. If you want people to trust you, you must demonstrate integrity and talk straight.
  2. Admit your wrong: You cannot be wrong and strong. “If you mess up, fess up” and hold yourself accountable for your mistakes and failures and ask for forgiveness. Take responsibility for your actions without pointing fingers or making excuses for your actions. If you are unclear about the situation, ask the person- what did I do to hurt you?
  3. Make amends: For the person who caused the hurt, there must be ownership and acknowledgement of the impact of one’s action, backed by strong remorse and a genuine resolve to change behaviors as evidenced by their actions now and in the future.
  4. Forgive:  Making the choice to forgive is not easy and can seem as if the other person is getting off the hook. However, this is about forgiving yourself for trusting the person as well as forgiving the person for hurting you. The key here is to remember that forgiveness is for you. It allows you to let go of all the negativity and toxic emotions associated with whatever was done to you.
  5. Be open: Adapt a mindset that what you see is what you get. Be real about who you are and what you represent. Accept yourself for what and who you are and do the same for others. People will not trust who you pretend to be.  
  6. Communicate expectations: This will require you to be assertive and clear about your needs and expectations of others or what you might need to feel safe. Don’t deny your feelings, name the emotions and share them. Do not expect people to read your mind, speak up.
  7. Keep your promises:  This comes down to your personal integrity. Are you trustworthy? Do you trust yourself? Do you do what you say you will do? Is there evidence in your life to support who you say you are?
  8. Be Patient: For the person who suffered hurt, trusting again will takes time, courage, and vulnerability to open oneself to the prospects of being hurt again. Give yourself and the other person time and a real chance to heal and recover.

In conclusion, can trust be restored?  I believe so. We as humans are resilient and have the capacity to learn, unlearn, love, and forgive. Trust is no different. But bear in mind that there are no guarantees that we will not break trust or be hurt again when our trust is broken. However, if we behave in ways that demonstrate openness, trustworthiness, and consistency, we can regain trust and strengthen it. After all, as Oprah Winfrey says, “In the end, all you have is your reputation.”

Until next time, Remember, It’s A Learning Life!

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The Truth About Trust !(Part 1)

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Trust and Truth-Wooden Building Blocks
Truth and Trust-Wooden Building Blocks

Everything in our lives revolves around trust. We trust the police to protect and serve us. We trust teachers to educate our children, doctors, and medical practitioners to give us the right diagnosis and take care of us when we are ill and banks and investment instruments to keep our money safe. We trust stoplights to prevent chaos at intersections and other drivers to comply with the rules of the road. We trust pilots and airplanes, GPS, Alexa and Google to provide us with accurate information. And for those of us who are believers, we trust God or whatever name you call that higher power.

Truth is, the quality of our interactions and relationships are based on the degree to which we feel we can place our confidence in others. Supervisors who do not trust their teams are more likely to micromanage. People who do not trust their partners are more likely to be insecure, question their every move or sneak around trying to get information. If you do not trust a product or service, you are unlikely to buy it. And business that operate in low trust environments, spend way more money on security to protect their assets and customers. Fact is- trust affects everything -who we chose to be in relationship with, where we look for for help, who we confide in, who we do business with, where we spend/save our money, the products we consume and even the jobs we leave or take.

Since trust is such a complex and heavy topic to navigate, I wanted to break it down and explore it in two parts. Part 1 will focus on understanding the concept of trust and why trust matters, while Part 2 will dive into what happens when trust is broken and how to fix or rebuild it.

Definition of Trust-Image
Definition- of- Trust-Image

What Trust Really Means?

Dictionary.com  defines trust as the “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” Trust involves two components: competence and character. Character speaks to the traits or qualities that describe a person such as whether they are kind, honest, reliable, or loyal. Whereas competence describes one’s ability, knowledge, or skill in a particular area. So, if someone is highly skilled and talented but has a reputation for being late and unprepared would you hire them? If you had a friend that was kind and generous but was inconsistent and never kept their word, how would you feel about that relationship? Or what about the person who does not hold him/herself accountable for completing his/her work on time and is always making excuses or pointing fingers? And what about the supervisor or team member who isn’t open or honest? Would you trust them? You can like or admire people for their personality or talent and not trust them. Keep in mind that people will not trust you if you have competence but no character or character and no competence. Trust requires both.

Elephant and Giraffe Walking A Tightrope-Image
Elephant- and -Giraffe- Walking- A -Tightrope-Image

Can I Trust You, Can You Trust Me?

Every day we make decisions on who and what to trust. Our choices are not entirely random because we trust some brands, products, people, and companies more than others. When we trust a person or company, our interactions tend to be more positive, relaxed, quicker and without hassle. The same is true at work. When we work with people we trust, morale is high, productivity increases, turnover is low and team members are more open to sharing information and creative ideas as they collaborate to get the work done. However, things get trickier when we do not trust the persons, businesses, or products that we are dealing with. Where there is little or no trust, people doubt each other and interactions prove to be more difficult, time consuming and stressful. Conversations are strained and are more likely to be plagued by mistakes, communication breakdowns thereby becoming a kind of self- fulfilling prophecy.

Trusting someone can be risky because people are unpredictable, and you cannot guarantee anyone’s behavior. When we put our hope or confidence in someone else, we are hoping for the best outcome. Besides, trust is situational. You can trust someone in one situation and not trust them in another. There are situations and people that I do not trust myself with and there are people I trust to do some things and not others. Afterall, I would not trust my electrician to do a root canal.

Another important thing to remember is that trust is fragile. Trust takes time to build and is meaningful and rewarding by the comfort and security it brings to the different types of relationships. However, this trust can be easily shattered by unfulfilled promises, unmet expectations and when people fail to do what they said they would do. Additionally, trust is not a one-way street, and requires reciprocity since it takes two to tango. And even though you might consider yourself a trustworthy person, from time to time you might find yourself interacting with people who do not trust you because of who you are or what you represent. In those situations, it is important to be patient and try to not take it personally.

My Story-Image
My -Story-Image

Why is Trust Important?

My earliest and most significant understanding and lessons on trust started at about 10 years old. My guardian or Mama was the owner and operator of a small business which was the main Shop & Bar in our small rural community. Mama was a shrewd and respected businesswoman, well known for not tolerating foolishness. The shop was open as early as 6.00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. on weekdays and from 6:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. on weekends. Mama believed in customer service and rarely ever departed from these hours as she strongly believed that the shop should always be open and ready to serve the community. The challenge with this situation was that Mama could not do it alone but she did not trust most of her close family members to help her. Her open distrust of these close relatives was a result of numerous bad experiences where money had been stolen, and goods had often gone missing after certain persons had helped her out in the shop.

As a the informally adopted member of the family, I was loyal to mama and became her de facto shopkeeper assistant. When Mama need to get some rest or to take a break, I was called away from play to operate the shop. When I got home from school in the evenings, I would have to change my clothes, eat dinner and report to the shop with my homework and on weekends when business was booming, I also had to perform my shopkeeper assistant duties to help out. By the age 12, I could run the entire operations by myself and was often required to cover for Mama when she needed to be away. At first, I was resentful of my role since it meant that I could not play all the time with my friends. But as I matured, I began to understand that Mama had chosen me to be her helper because she trusted me and my abilities and that I would do her no harm. 

Over the years that followed, I too learned who to trust and who not to trust. In that, I knew who our loyal customers were, the ones who did not like to pay and would require me to painstakingly go over every detail on an invoice and others who only came to us when they wanted to credit goods. Overtime, our customers realized that though I was young, I was well trained and knew how to handle myself. As my confidence and their confidence in me as a shopkeeper grew, I would have customers approach me to credit them goods to be settled on their paydays. I used my own judgement to decide who I would extend this courtesy to since Mama did not know about these arrangements. Fortunately, I proved to be a good judge of character and did not have any problems securing payments for these accounts when they became due. Our business flourished and so did my relationships with Mama and the people in our community.

Now, when I look back to that experience, I value those early lessons on trust and now appreciate the importance of both character and competence as the foundations of building and maintaining trust and positive relationships . So here are my key takeaways on trust that I hope might be useful to you:

Key Takeaways

  1. Trust involves risk and is built over time.
  2. Relationships are powered by trust and will not grow or thrive without trust.
  3. Trust is fragile and when broken it can be difficult if not impossible to restore.
  4. Trust requires both character and competence. People will assess your trustworthiness based on your ability and your integrity. Do you do what you say you will do?
  5. Life is harder when we are surrounded by people we don’t or cant trust and the cost of doing business is higher when trust is low or lacking.

So, think about someone in your own circle that you trust or don’t trust. How well do you communicate with each other? How do you get things done? How would you describe those relationships? Stay tuned for next week post- I Don’t Trust You: How to Rebuild Trust (Part 2) where I’ll explore what happens when trust is broken and how to fix it.

Until next time, Remember, It’s A Learning Life!

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Navigating Relationships At Work

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imagesCA2VOG8J“No man is an island, no man stands alone.”

By our very nature, we were created for relationships. Be they personal or professional, we develop and maintain relationships with the people who are a part of the circles or groups to which we belong. While some of these relationships might have emerged consciously/unconsciously over time, they result in meaningful friendships which help us in the best and worst of times. This is no less true of friendships in the workplace.

For this post, I want to look at friendships as a form of relationship in the workplace. Loosely defined, friendships are those close relationships we develop with people on the job, or the people we align ourselves with, due to similarities in personality, values, and interests. Friendships also develop as a result of the huge amount of time we spend at work, or at home doing work. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that, people develop lasting friendships with the members of their teams, people on other teams(internally and externally) and even with their supervisors. Is anything wrong with that? Well… you decide.

Are friendships in the work place bad?

Do friendships help or hinder effective working relationships?

Do they need boundaries?

Can they affect how you do your job?

The answers to any of the above questions are not written down in any employee handbook. Nor are they stated in the thick operational policies and procedures manuals, that each new employee is given to read during the orientation or onboarding process for a new job. Though you should note, that, some companies have explicitly stated policies about personal relationships (intimate) in the workplace. But, that is not my focus. If you were to stop and think about your experiences with friendships at the workplace, the things you have seen, heard or felt, you might just conclude that – friendships do have impact on the work and perhaps how we work.

“Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are”

Throughout the course of my career, I’ve witnessed and experienced first-hand, the impact of friendships at work from the perspective of  a member of a team to  manager/leader of teams. And, I can safely tell you that, this dynamic plays out quite differently from role to role. So let’s start with the question raised earlier:imagesCAFETENT

  1. Are friendships in the workplace bad? No, not necessarily. Friends are typically people we trust, and turn to whenever we need a sounding board, support, receive good and bad news. These friends are also the same persons who are likely to call us with a bit of company news (a promotion, new hire or dismissal) or relate over lunch, something they might have heard on the grapevine. Herein lies a problem, for this is how the grapevine thrives. Grapevine communication is a huge problem for many organizations. The grapevine is a medium through which rumors and gossip are transmitted, producing negative effects on company culture and creating tension in teams.                                                                                                                                                     Yet, what we often forget or overlook is that, the grapevine is not an abstract concept. It is not something running along the walls and corridors into meetings and offices, restrooms, car parks and cafeterias. One reason for the grapevine’s popularity in organizations, is that, sometimes, friends across and within teams, inappropriately discuss critical work related information and decisions, that they are privy to in their jobs with other friends ( both internally and externally). And though no harm might have been intended in sharing, the effects on the organization and on people’s lives might be detrimental.
  2. Do friendships they help or hinder effective working relationships? Yes. Friendships can both help and hinder effective working relationships. Whether it’s the case of a friend providing much needed help in completing a work assignment, supporting a proposal or point in a meeting or giving feedback, friendships can be beneficial. Friendships often help to “grease the wheels” for a more comfortable journey in the world of work. On the other hand, friendships might very well threaten effective working relationships. A friendship gone wrong can lead to grievance and discipline issues, produce negative work behaviors and attitudes such as “bad mouthing”  of and by managers and direct reports alike. Thereby resulting in, tense meetings,  decline  in performance and productivity and further  disruptions and uncomfortable situations on teams.
  3. Can they affect how you do your job? Yes, friendships can directly and indirectly affect and effect how you do your job. Favoritism in the workplace and its impact on low employee morale is nothing to scoff at. Additionally, the direct impact can be seen with the answers to questions 1-2 above. The indirect impact might be just as strong. After all, I’m sure you might have seen coworkers in a friendship relationship react negatively to another coworker on the basis of an incident/ or action taken against their friend(s) or involving them.
  4. Do they need boundaries? Yes. Establishing boundaries for what you will or can share with a friend will be critically important in avoiding any appearance of unprofessionalism, bias or breach of trust. This is especially important and true when a team member is promoted from amongst peers and becomes a supervisor. For both the new supervisor and the direct report(s) (which includes friends), the period of adjustment to this new relationship needs to be managed carefully. If you were to review any book on supervisory management, you would find that, great emphasis is placed on helping new supervisors understand their new roles and responsibilities vis-a-vis old relationships. These books provide guidance to the supervisor on the different expectations related to the new role(that of their direct reports and supervisor) and how to navigate these relationships.

I will therefore conclude that, friendships  at the workplace are important  and may even be desired. However, friendships need to be carefully managed to prevent them from  undermining effective working relationship. For  whether we admit it or not, they can and do. Hence, a lot will be left to the maturity, integrity and ethics of the individual and that of his/her friend(s). In the end, responsible and mature people with healthy friendships would never allow each other to jeopardize  their job position(s) or compromise their professional ethics.

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